How many times have you walked into a networking event or social gathering only to find yourself searching for the nearest exit?

Last Saturday I was at a friend's birthday party in Dolores Park. Everyone was twenty years younger than me. My first conversation went nowhere, mostly one-word answers. I listened to other people's conversations for a while before I tried to jump in. When I did, it lasted thirty seconds and fizzled. I started thinking up an excuse to leave before the cake even arrived.

Then I met a woman named Georgina. She asked me, "Do you live in the city?" We had some back and forth, and then I took a chance. I told her a short story. To relate, she told a story. Then someone she knew plopped down next to her and the conversation abruptly ended.

I inhaled. With newfound energy, I turned to the person next to me and asked how he was doing.

Small talk can feel exhausting, even for a communications coach. But I've come to marvel at its familiar routine. First, you Spark the conversation with a simple question. If the signal is right, you Deepen it with a story to relate to the person. And then, suddenly, it's time to Transition to the next person or Exit completely.

Here's the part that changed how I show up to these things: the dread isn't a sign you're bad at this. It's a sign you don't yet see it as a routine. Once you see the pattern, small talk stops being a test and starts being a tool, one that builds toward belonging: a new friend, a business partner, or even a future husband or wife. It's a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to find your people.

Walking into a room full of strangers can feel overwhelming, but don't overthink how to spark conversation. Your gut instinct is usually the right move. Here are the four ways most people spark small talk:

With Georgina, the opener was almost nothing: "Do you live in the city?" That's all it takes. The opener's only job is to get two people talking. Once you spark it, be present. Face the person, make eye contact, nod. Don't check your phone; that signals you're not interested.

A big part of successful small talk, since the two of you don't know each other well yet, is reading nonverbal cues. Stay curious. Ask follow-up questions instead of jumping into your own monologue. One principle: keep even linguistic weight. If they share for thirty seconds, share for thirty seconds back. If they talk about weekend plans, talk about your weekend plans. If that weight tips, if you talk for four minutes straight about your unique hobby, the other person can start to feel shut out of the conversation. If you catch yourself doing this, no problem. Just ask a question and hand the conversation back. Don't worry, how you recover is what most people actually notice. Show self-awareness and say, "Wow, I get excited talking about origami."

Small talk usually starts with yes/no questions about superficial topics because the content matters less than whether you and the other person are both present and interested in going deeper. If you're both matching energy, linguistic weight, and nonverbal cues, that's the signal it's okay to share more. If anything's off, the small talk usually dies right there. That's fine too. Not every spark is meant to deepen, and knowing that takes the pressure off.

So when you're ready, shift from yes/no questions to WH questions:

This invites the other person to share more. Then, when the moment is right and the topic is relevant, tell a story. [Here's an article I wrote about telling a clear, concise, compelling story using the BEAM framework I've developed.] My recommendation: keep two or three go-to stories in your back pocket, a recent experience, a movie you saw or want to see, something unique about yourself. My partner's go-to story is that he's the youngest of 14 kids. People are immediately curious to learn more.

A few phrases help you transition into a story, "that reminds me of," or "speaking of," so it feels natural. Fair warning: debuting a new story in the middle of small talk is a risk. It might run long, be unclear, or not really land. But now that you've been warned, you do you. Everybody has to learn this by doing it.

When engaging in small talk, a good reminder is to not glom on to someone you enjoy talking with. Knowing how to gracefully move on, either to the next conversation or out the door, is its own skill, and it's what lets you move through a social event with ease, and with belonging intact rather than burned out.

Sometimes the cue reads itself: someone new arrives, or the cake comes out, and people just drift. But when you're the one eyeing your next move, these two strategies work every time. They just take a little confidence. Both make your intention crystal clear, so nobody misreads you.

Strategy #1: Combine a compliment with a motivated action.

Strategy #2: This one comes from Matt Abrahams (click here to listen to his podcast), a mentor of mine and communications expert. If you want to signal your exit and keep the good feelings, try: "It's been so great speaking with you. Before I head over to grab a drink, I have one quick final question for you." Ask it, listen, then make your move. Giving that heads-up lets both people wrap up and keep socializing without any awkwardness.

Everything above works anywhere: a party, a hallway, a bar. But a lot of my clients ask specifically about networking events, where the stakes feel higher. They worry that bringing up their own work will come across as transactional instead of relational.

First, permission granted: talk about work. That's why everyone's there. It's like going to a bus stop and not getting on the bus, then telling people, "Oh, I'm just here to look at the buses." Do the thing the space is asking you to do.

Second, a few strategies:

Ask "what do you do?" first. You're doing two things at once, learning about the other person, and because you asked, they'll almost always ask it back.

Have a twenty-second answer ready that invites discussion. "I'm a lawyer" doesn't give people much to work with. It signals a one-word-answer topic, and people read it as a cue to move the conversation forward. Instead, try: "Over the past ten years, I've learned everything about tax codes so I can help companies structure donations to nature conservation nonprofits." That invites people in.

Networking, like finding new friends, is a numbers game. If you want visibility, you have to put yourself out there. If the conversation's going well and you sense real interest in what you do, just ask: "Would you be open to talking about this in the future? Can I contact you?" If they say "find me on LinkedIn," that's a weak signal. If they pull out their phone and message you on the spot, that's a strong one. You won't know until you try.

That's the cycle. Spark it, even with something as small as "do you live in the city?" Deepen it enough to trade stories. And when you're ready, Transition or Exit with grace.

Small talk isn't an invitation to share your deepest vulnerabilities. That takes trust, respect, and time. But it's the first door.

And getting through that door shouldn’t be effortless. You have to read the cues, find the commonalities, and show the other person you're not looking for more than the moment can hold.

That's how small talk becomes big moves: showing up for the small ones, again and again, until one opens into a friend, a client, a collaborator, someone in your corner. That's belonging. It starts smaller than you think.