I don't just coach presence and clarity. I practice it myself. Yes, I get nervous before a presentation, a coaching session with a very well-known client, a meeting with someone who has something I want. And I try every tip, trick, and hack I give my clients to see if they actually works.

Will I blank? Ramble? Talk too much? Freeze up?

So I run the playbook:

Then, after it's all over, someone might say,

"You're so calm."

CALM? I was shitting bricks.

Here's the truth: executive presence can be performed. People like it when things feel comfortable, so when we're under pressure, we perform confidence even when it comes at a cost to our nervous systems and our honesty.

Researchers have a name for this. Harvard Business Review recently published work on what psychologists call "surface acting," where leaders mask what they actually feel to meet the demands of the moment. The research shows this creates a draining cycle: faking enthusiasm when energy is low exhausts leaders further, which makes genuine emotional engagement even harder the next time. The alternative, "deep acting," means actually reshaping your emotional response from the inside, and it builds connection and resilience instead of depleting them.

In other words, the science confirms what your body already knows. Performing calm and being calm are two different skill sets. Only one of them is sustainable.

People gravitate toward leaders who are genuinely grounded. You know who these people are immediately. Their nervous systems stay regulated in front of a room and when nobody is looking. When they do get upset, peeved, or scared, they own their emotions and settle themselves down. That is emotional regulation, and it's the foundation underneath everything we call presence.

I used to teach the quick fixes, because they work. The breathing, the mantras, the executive presence cues. They get you through the meeting. But getting through the meeting and feeling whole afterward are two different outcomes, and only one of them changes who you are as a leader.

To help my clients deeply understand that emotional regulation in high-stakes communication is a practice of repetition and reflection, I built the GAINZ Framework. One coaching session or one workshop will not cure you of your communication nerves. If you want to become one of the greats, you commit to the practice.

Presence is like a muscle. You don't build it overnight. You build it with reps and reflection.

Get clear on who you're becoming. Leadership presence isn't one-size-fits-all. Are you aiming for curiosity? Calm authority? Thoughtful precision? Don't perform what you think people expect. Practice becoming the version of you that feels most like you.

Ask yourself: when I leave the room, what do I want people to say about my leadership?

That's your goal. Speak to that every time.

You can't regulate what you don't notice.

Emotional regulation starts with catching the signal early: the tight chest, the racing pace, the urge to fill silence. Most of us have no idea how we actually show up. So build awareness into your workflow. Ask a trusted colleague, "What's one thing I do in meetings I might not notice?"

Use tech if that's your thing. Transcribe your next meeting and run it through an AI chatbot. A simple prompt: "You are an executive coach. Analyze how I show up in this meeting. What are my strengths and how do I improve?"

But don't completely outsource awareness. The reflection is yours to do: am I showing up the way my goals say I want to?

Presence isn't summoned. It's practiced.

Try this: don't interrupt your rambling co-worker for five minutes. Notice what that discomfort reveals about your nervous system.

Or spend five minutes before a meeting practicing what you want to say. Does your head spin? Or do you feel energized?

Over time, those small reps change your default. You stop performing. You start embodying. This is where regulation becomes real: your baseline shifts, so there's less to fake.

You can't do this alone. And you don't have to.

Ask your peers:

Build a circle of people who are also in it for the long game. The flash of a polished moment matters less than the practice underneath it.

This takes time. Real practice always does.

You'll have days when you stumble. You'll misread the room. You'll talk too fast or say too little. That's not failure. It's feedback.

Don't confuse one shaky rep with a broken practice. Zoooooooom out.

What story are you telling yourself about your growth?

And what changes when you see all of this as proof you're in training rather than evidence you're falling short?

I coached a brilliant technical leader at a major tech company. She had the respect of her team and deep product insight. But every time she stepped into a high-stakes meeting, she panicked. Tightened up. Tried to sound "executive." It backfired.

In coaching, we talked through the GAINZ Framework.

G: She defined the presence she actually wanted to build, instead of what she thought execs expected.

A: She saw that her fast talking came from dreading ambiguity. We practiced pausing.

I: In everyday life, she started noticing when she micromanaged small things to manage stress.

N: She watched grounded leaders during conflict and started adopting the way they paused.

Z: In coaching, we stepped back and saw how far she'd come in just a few months.

That's what leadership GAINZ look like. What changed wasn't just how she spoke. It was how she led.

Durable presence instead of a polished performance. Wiser responses instead of faster reactions. Steady when it counts instead of merely sounding confident.

Want to build this kind of emotional regulation in your team or your own leadership? Let's talk.